So we are all packed up and ready to go. We have a week to get to LA. No rush, just cool vibes for this trip. We are new- to me it feels like moving to Europe. How I imagine everything is pretty much the same but totally different. Like you take out the trash but not like you did at “home”, you get gas but things have changed a bit. Shit like that doesn’t scare me, it excites me actually. It makes my nerve endings light up and you know, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they won’t. Sometimes I find myself doing what I love and going through my day and my endings are just at a muted glow… maybe a flicker and I have to say the fact that I have the chance to take this journey makes everything about me light up. I feel more alive now than I have in a long time.
That’s not to say that what my life has been is boring, I am not trying to complain at all. I do my best to not get bored, well since I was sitting behind a school desk. I find ways to have fun or at least learn something in everything I do, I guess it is my hidden talent but this… oh, this is the tits for me. For all of us, I hope.
Today Elvis told me she was scared of living in the Airstream. After a morning risen from the wrong side of the bed, she had meltdown after meltdown (as so many young ladies do) and it didn’t ruffle my feathers because I knew what we were asking was a big gigantic thing and it was only a matter of time before it actually sunk in and hit a nerve. Before it actually showed itself to them- for what it was worth- everything they have come to know and love was ending, in a way. Their day to day and their way of life was being picked up and flung in the air with no real assurance that this new way would be better or more enjoyable to them. They have asked me what it will be like, if it will be this or that and I have been nothing but honest- I told them “I don’t know but I think it will be amazing”. This sounds romantic to some and like bullshit to others.
If you know me you know that I don’t say “I don’t know” much and not for the reason you might think (I am not a know-it-all). I don’t say it much because if I don’t know, I will soon find out and instead of saying “I don’t know” I would rather say “well, let me see” or something like that… except here. I couldn’t and the only thing I hate saying more than “I don’t know” is a lie. I lied through my teeth as a kid and I guess because I always wanted something else to be true and as an adult I have learned that if the truth isn’t good enough, I just need to DO better- not say better.
Anyway, she was scared. She said she missed her pink room and her friends. Wanted to go to ballet class and the park up the street, talked about walking to the movies with “Doh-Doh”, so I died a little. I just curled up inside and I died. It’s the fear that will keep you from doing the things that scare you- not the things. I believe that. I believe that if I looked at her sad eyes and leaned in too much, I would be able to say “forget it”. I would be able to be that person that leads with fear (mine or others) and just keep a safe distance from the things that seem interesting, yet scary.
But I’m not. Oh man, am I not or what?